The Curse of Womanhood
by ohmyload
Summary: Evangeline is just 'one of the guys' and she doesn't object to it. Not when people like Lily Evans judge her because of her,large assets. So Evangeline has been friends with the Marauders, and is always bailing them out. But its hard for Evangeline to
1. Chapter 1

Warnings: There is some talk of an explicit content, and if you do not agree with this then it's simple; don't read it. I'm not saying this to offend you, I just don't want to get reviews saying that I have a dirty mind..ect. So please, if your not one for a mature rating (I don't know if there will be a sex scene yet...) then just don't read. Thank you:)

It's at times like these I wish I had a penis and broad shoulders, instead of breasts and an hourglass figure. Sirius and James were currently picking another fight with Snape and I'm growing incredibly tired of having to bail their asses out every time a teacher gets involved. If they would actually listen to me in the beginning, rather then deciding that I'm right once McGonagall comes storming over, it would save me and them a lot of time and detentions. But because I have big boobs and an hour glass figure that causes my hips to look too wide, and what I say doesn't matter until the fear of McGonagall's wrath flashes in their eyes.

I would stop helping them out in situations if I had any other friends besides the Marauders. While you may think that because your friends with the Marauders you would gain a lot of friends through their popularity, but not in my case. I'm not conceited, when I admit I have big boobs, I'm simply stating a fact. And because of my rather, busty, features girls are intimidated by me. They think that I'm full of myself and I hang around the Marauders for sex. If they actually bothered to ask me, I would tell them that I am not full of myself and if they would take a closer look they would notice I wear baggy shirts, and the reason why I hang around the Marauders is because while I'm well aware that they don't mind glancing at my breasts they actually have accepted me because I find their pranks amusing and bail them out of almost any situation. I feel no need to explain myself to girls who judge me without knowing me, and am perfectly content with hanging out with the Marauders because they accepted me with no question or judging. But now their pranks are becoming tiresome, and I've run out of excuses to give to McGonagall.

I'm not saying that from time to time I wish I hung around girls more often. While there's never a dull moment with the Marauders, they can't relate when it comes to talking about boys and periods. Instead my conversations are based around girls, pranks, and food.

The conversations I have with the Marauders usually vary and I'm glad that they listen to what I have to say, but they usually don't have anything to contribute in return. When I talk to James the conversation almost always is based around Lily. It can be about the newest lip-gloss she is wearing, or if she glared at him in a less harsh way. If he doesn't talk about Lily then he's talking about a new prank he's developed. Sometimes his pranks are directed towards Lily but he'll never actually go through with them anymore. He's realized that setting a girls school robes on fire won't make her fall in love with him.

When I talk to Sirius the conversation always puts us in a right laugh. Everyone sees him as a jokester and prankster but when he talks to me I've found he's a closet romantic. Girls always talk about how big of a playboy he is and how many girls he's slept with, truth-be-told he's had only two girlfriends and they've lasted more then a year because when he becomes involved with a girl he wants to make it last. Girls assume that he's a playboy because he is a big flirt and well aware of his looks, but he doesn't flaunt them. Girls flaunt his good looks and charming personality for him. He finds this immature attitude incredibly annoying, but if he stopped talking with girls rumors would spread that he's gay, and he doesn't want anyone questioning his manhood. There's been a downside befriending Sirius. Girls can't just be friends with Sirius, unless you're a lesbian, even then the thought of converting is tempting. All these years I've come to know him has only made me fall for him even more. And I hate that because it makes me one of those predictable and hopelessly sad girls that are in love with one of their best friends.

When I talk to Remus its different then when I talk with Sirius or James. Remus is very intelligent, and very quiet and recluse. Whenever I have a conversation with Remus the conversation has meaning and he doesn't have deep talk's everyday. It's something special when Remus opens up to you and you have a tendency to remember everything he says. I'm one of the few people he trusts with his lycanthropy secret. Remus is the person I actually talk to most because while I listen he also listens to me. I find that James and Sirius are self-absorbed, without meaning to. Remus shows me cares about me by listening but Sirius and James have other ways. Sirius once brought me my favorite chocolate and pumpkin pasties when my boyfriend had broken up with me. James had an uncanny ability to make me laugh no matter what the situation was. While those actions always cheered be up Remus listening to me provided more then comfort food or laughter.

Peter is different; he's quiet and hesitant when he speaks. He's never quite sure what he should say, or if he's going to say the right thing. He seems afraid of saying anything that could upset anyone or make him look weak. And when I try to talk to him and tell him about my problems he gets this glazed look in his eyes and always appears to be thinking of something else. Don't get me wrong, I love Peter, but it's like talking to a taxidermy animal.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, I have just seen what you've done and don't think your going to be getting out of this one!" McGonagall's voice broke through my thoughts and I was suddenly thrown back into reality.

"Minnie," James said ruffling his hair and smiling sheepishly, trying to stand in front of Snape to hide the fact that foam was coming from his mouth.

"Mr. Potter, if you don't want to spend the rest of the year serving detentions with Mr. Filch de-weeding Hogwarts grounds, then I suggest you shut your mouth and put your wand away."

"Professor," I said from the crowds. Darn my basic instincts. "Snape here already has rabies and they were only trying to er-help him." Was that really the best I could come up with? I told you that I was running out of excuses.

"Ms. Reid, because of that comment you will be serving detention with Mr. Potter and Mr. Black for the next week." James and Sirius started to protest as McGonagall walked away, "ten points from Gryffindor!"

A groan emitted from the Gryffindors' who had been watching the fight.

"He has rabies, and we were helping him?" James asked me.

I shrugged, "if you're going to complain don't expect help from me ever again. And may I remind you that because of my efforts I have landed myself in detention with you two wankers."

"Oh, you purposefully landed yourself in detention because you can't get enough of Prongsy and me." Sirius used the nicknames once the crowd had cleared.

I rolled my eyes and tried to prevent a smile from forming on my lips. "Please, I don't need you; you need me to bail you out all the time."

"Why do you underestimate our charming abilities so?" James said in mock-drama.

"Well, my dearest James, you're 'charming abilities' have just landed you in detention for a week."

"Touché," James said as he draped his arm around my shoulders, forcing me to walk with him. "Before I forget; tomorrow morning I'm planning a little Quidditch practice before the game against Ravenclaw next week."

"No, not another, before the sun comes up practices."

"Afraid so," James laughed. His arm then fell from my shoulders as Lily came into view. "Hey Evans," James called out. To my surprise Lily turned to look at him, but her gaze still shown nothing short of loathe. "If you wake up early tomorrow you may luck out and have the privilege of riding my broomstick."

"Pig," Lily spat, and to avoid further conversation she and her friends turned down the corridor.

"You know what James," I said as I smiled at Lily's victory. "I can never get mad at you because I pity you and you're never ending, slightly pitiful, attempts to get Lily to fall in love with you."

Sirius let out his bark-like laughter and hit James on the shoulders. "She's got you there Prongs."

James shoved Sirius with his shoulders. "I'd like to see you do better."

"With Evans?" Sirius threw back his head and let out another bark-like laugh. "That's a good one Prongs. No one stands a chance with Lily if they have the ability to question what she says, unless you want your balls chopped off. Peter possibly stands a chance."

"Hey, be nice." I said, "Peter's sensitive. Girls like that in a man."

"That's were your wrong, my dear Evangeline, girls like men with muscles, and packing down below, if you know what I mean." Sirius supported his last statement with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.

"Sirius Black, if you make one more sexual statement towards me I'm gonna, I'm gonna."

"You're going to what? Spurt incoherent words at me?"

After dinner James, Sirius, and I walked into McGonagall's classroom in a less then happy mood that we were just in moments before.

"You three are going to be under the watch of Mr. Filch. He's expecting you in the Herbology room. If I find you are later then the five minutes it takes you to get there you will be serving another week of detention. Do I make myself clear?"

We all nodded and walked out of the room without a word. There wasn't any talk all the way to Herbology either, we were all too angry to speak.

"Hm, you three again," Filch said once we'd entered the Herbology room. "Well, lets get right to it. You see those plants on that wall," Filch said as he pointed to a large amount of plants. "You are to alphabetize all of them."

"But sir, we don't know all those plants names." I said once I'd taken a look at the never ending supply of plant-life.

A particularly nasty smile crept onto Filch's face, "that is why, Ms. Reid, I've given you books listing all the names of the plants. Happy categorizing."

James let out a string of curses as he looked at all the plants disarray. "This has got to be the worst detention ever."

"Well," I said rolling up my sleeves. "We might as well get to it, no use in standing around and whining like a bunch of ninnies."

"I'm no ninny!" Sirius exclaimed defensively.

Two hours had passed and we'd only gotten into the E's.

"I spy with my little eyes something green." James said.

"A plant," Sirius said in a bored voice.

"No, a leaf."

"There's no difference," Sirius said in an agitated voice.

James gasped and placed a hand on his heart, "how can you treat leafs with such disrespect?"

It wasn't until three o'clock in the morning till we finished. We walked back to our common room covered in dirt, sweat, and some blood. James thought it would be funny to stick his finger in a vezer, which is a round plant covered in needles, and apparently has sharp teeth. When the aforementioned plant bit down on James' finger he squealed like a little sheep that has lost its home and no longer had his mother's nipples to feed off of.

We reached the common rooms we grunted when we'd reached the girls and boys dormitory and separated. I fell into my bed, not bothering to change my clothes, and brought the blanket over my head. When I'd finally situated myself the blankets were ripped from my body.

"Just were where you?" The unmistakable shrill voice of Lily Evans rang in my ears.

"Lily, I'm covered in soil, sweat, and blood. What do you think I was doing?"

"Well, one can't tell when all you do is hang around the Marauders. I would expect nothing less then pranks."

"Your right Lily," I sat up as I spoke. "I was off having sex with all of them, separately, of course. Because if I'd done it with all of them at the same time that would be indecent." I ripped my blanket from Lily's hands as she stared at me in shock.

The next morning I woke up and felt as though my entire body weighed a million pounds. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around the dormitory. I bolted up out of my bed once I realized that no one was in the room. I looked at my watch and swore when I realized I only had twenty minutes to get ready until the next class. Cursing under my breath I quickly took a shower and threw my hair up into a ponytail not caring that it was wet. I grabbed my uniform and quickly threw it on, putting on my shoes and socks as I ran down the stairs.

I skidded to a halt in front of the Potions room, only seconds before class started. I took a seat next to Remus and right as I was taking out my book and wand the bell rang.

"Where were you?" Remus whispered to me.

"Slept in accidentally, I had a late night."

"I heard, that was a really harsh detention, and you didn't even deserve to have one."

I groaned and rolled my eyes, "don't remind me. And I can't afford to serve a detention tonight, I've got a Care of Magical Creatures essay to write. I don't know where I'm going to find the time."

"I can help, during dinner I can work on it with you. I'm almost done anyway."

Smiling I said thank you before turning my attention back to Slughorn, sort of.

I was sitting, pretending to take notes but instead drawing pictures of unicorns named; Sparkle Fairy Lumps. Between my intense drawing I started to think of Remus. He's always been really nice, he understands me, is willing to listen to me…he sounds like a woman, god no. How could I even think of Remus that way? I must be just really horny because when I get this way I even started to think of Snape because he was in close proximity to me. Then I realized that he's so greasy he would probably just slide off of me. Ok, STOP THINKING OF SNAPE! I care about Snape about as much as those kids with the flies on their faces.

"You have that look on your face like you've just had a sex fantasy about Snape and he slid off of you because of his access of grease." I looked at Sirius, how does he know me so well?

"I couldn't give two straws about the shapes of hippogriff poop."

Remus and I had been working on my essay for almost an hour now and I was growing tired of listing every single thing a hippogriff does. There's only so much a girl can take.

Remus smiled and looked up at me. "Well, you're only a half inch short, I think we can skip the hippogriff poop, you just write your name on the bottom."

"Brilliant," I said as I signed my name extra loopy…loopy. Loopy was my first pet hamster. He died, unfortunately, after an innocent game of elevator. I wanted him to get a feel of the real world so I bounced him up and down; showing him what it would feel like to be on an elevator. Unfortunately, because he had so much fun his heart stopped.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Oh, er-what you would look like if you were Asian." Actually, Remus would probably look good Asian. Being Asian he would have limited vision, he wouldn't be able to see the full moon, and then his life as a werewolf would no longer exist.

"Right, well, you've got about twenty minutes until you have to go to detention. Are you up for a jaw session? Jaw session is Remus' way of asking if I want to talk. We feel that if we say 'do you want to talk' the others surrounding up will become jealous and throw the closest things they have at us. "So, winter vacation is in two weeks, any big plans?"

"Well, my grandma is coming over for a week. She thinks I'm a lesbian. Which, by the way, I need cleared up. Care to come over and pretend to be my boyfriend? She's coming over December seventeenth."

"I would, but I'm afraid that's during the full moon. Sorry."

I shrugged, "ah well, I'll get someone else. Anywho, are you going to Sirius's party new year's eve?"

"Of course, I haven't seen his new flat yet. But, back on the subject of needing a fix boyfriend, why not ask Sirius?"

"Remus, you know how I feel about him."

"I know, but he doesn't, so I don't see why there's anything wrong with pretending."

"I don't want to pretend, I want to be his girlfriend."

"Well, even if your pretending you might get the benefits couples have." Remus said with an uncharacteristic suggestive eye wiggle.

"You know what," I said gathering up my books. "I'm just going to go to detention early," I was joking as I stormed out of the library, but also kind of serious. I was tired of everyone knowing (and by everyone I mean James, Remus, and Peter) that I was in love with Sirius, except Sirius. And when people always remind me of what I don't have it just brings me to reality. I like being in my own thoughts because then the world exists how I want it. A part of this perfect world is that wool wouldn't itch, and mutton was soft.

Twenty minutes later I had met up with Sirius and James and we were currently standing with Filch, looking at the trophies before us.

"Hmm," Filch grunted. "You've got 'ter wash all of these trophies without magic today, have fun ladies."

"Sir," I said before Filch could get away. "Why do you hate us so when all we show you is love?"

The next five days left us bruised, broken, blistered, and bumpy. Sleep deprivation was finally catching up to me. On day four I imagined that pink bunnies were hopping along the corridors of Hogwarts, all in search of their leader Chief Chuwapa, to grant them peace among the blue and pink bunnies.

It had been announced that there was a Hogsmeade trip that Saturday for Christmas shopping. James was already scheming to pull a prank the day before we left to avoid getting detentions.

"One would think the teachers would give you detention after Christmas break." I pointed out, shattering James' hopeful thoughts.

"Yes well, just drug the teachers and they'll forget."

"Like that time my dad drugged my mum, she gets lonely."


	2. Chapter 2

"Could it be any colder? I think my nipples are about to fall off." I really didn't mean for those words to come from my mouth. I've really got to learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes. A perfect example of when I should've kept my mouth shut is when I compared my mum to a Nazi. I still believe I was rightly justified but she thinks otherwise.

Remus was coming over to my house for summer vacation and my mum needs the house spotless when people come over, and she will not let me use magic. So as I was cleaning I missed a shelf dusting and she started tearing into me, saying I was lazy and could never have people over again because I didn't care enough to clean up after myself. After I had grown bored of her never-ending rant I said, "Mum, did anyone tell you Hitler is dead?" If a German crosses our path she turns and glares at me. It's not a pretty sight.

"I agree, except for the whole er-nipples part." James said as his teeth chattered in the cold wind. "Let's go into the Three Broomsticks."

"But what about Zonkos?" Sirius pouted.

"We'll go later Pads, I'm freezing."

Turns out everyone else decided to go to the Three Broomsticks. I had to body surf to get to the bar so I could order four butterbeers. When I was body surfing someone touched my bajingas.

"Drink up lads…and lady," James declared as we clunked our glasses together and took a long swig of butterbeer, warmth flooding my senses immediately.

I feel tingly, I haven't felt this way since my parents gave me a pony because my dad was in love with the pool boy and left our family. Oh, that pony and I had good memories, I named it Ms. Sparklecheese. Oh, how its mane flapped gloriously in the wind.

"Prongs, have you gotten Evans to come to my party yet?" Sirius asked.

"No, I haven't had the opportunity to woo her yet. Patience is a virtue."

"In your case, patience is your only option." I put in.

"Your fat," was James' pathetic retort.

"Ah, the intelligence of men never ceases to amaze me."

"Well, impress this." I stood there waiting for something but nothing happened. "I don't know what I was expecting to happen," James mumbled.

"James, why don't we go to Zonkos?" Sirius said as he slapped his best friends back.

Whenever I go to Zonkos all the brightly colored toys remind me of my mums room where she keeps her toys. She tells me they keep her happy and from going insane, I'm not aloud to touch the toys, she says their not sanitary.

I saw Sirius standing by himself looking at the rows of toys and decided it was do or die. I've never really gotten that expression. Is it like if you go bungee jumping if you do it you could die but if you don't do it…you could die?

"Zippy Zangles," I said when I had come up to Sirius, noticing the yellow package in his hands.

"Childs play," he responded, putting it back on the shelves. "So, what brings you to my corner?"

"Well," I said, kicking the ground with my foot nervously. "You see, over winter vacation my grandma is coming over for a week. And she thinks I'm a lesbian."

"She thinks you're a what?" Sirius spurted, half in laughter, half in shock.

"Don't make me repeat myself. Anywho, the only way to prove I'm not…a-girl loving, polar bear coat wearing granddaughter. I thought the best way to prove I like men was to bring a man. And, well, you're a man, with hair, and…eyes?"

"If you're asking me to play your boyfriend, I'd be honored. I'm great with parents."

"Parent."

"Parent?"

"Yes, it's just me, my mum, and my little brother. My dad left because he er-loved pools too much."

Before Sirius could question my family history James came up with a red ball in his hand, Remus and Peter quickly following.

"What is that?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know," James breathed, his eyes dancing with excitement.

"What does it do?" Remus inquired.

"I don't know. All I know is its red, shiny, and full of wonderful possibilities."

"How much is it?" Peter asked.

"Er-50 galleons."

"Fifty?!" Remus shrieked. "That's a lot of money Prongs, money you don't have."

"I figure we can all split it, it won't be that much then. C'mon, I don't know what it does, but it's bound to do something amazing, otherwise it wouldn't be shiny."

"Valid point," Sirius agreed. "We need to name it."

There was a moment of silence as we all pondered the many fitting names for the red shiny thing when a name came to my head. "The mother fucker."

"The mother fucker," the Marauders breathed in agreement.

We asked the main cashier what the 'mother fucker' did and he wouldn't tell us, he only told us how to activate it; roll it on the ground until it hits something solid, then you wait and see. We decided that Sunday during dinner we would use it. We were leaving Monday morning so there wouldn't be any repercussions that night, and hopefully not when we get back to school either.

After Hogsmeade we all sat in the common rooms by the fire. We where joking and laughing when Lily stormed up to us.

"Potter," she shrieked, I noticed she was holding a familiar box in her hand.

"Why yes, my LilyFlower?"

"What is this?" She opened the box and showed us red lingerie.

"Ah, the card said don't open till Christmas."

"You're expecting me to wear this? Let alone show you?! I don't even want to try and guess how you got this into the girls' dormitory."

Duh, hello, I'm a girl, and I live in your dormitory. "Um, Lily," I said raising my hand. "I'm a girl."

"So?" She spat, glaring at me.

"So, I er-noticed that you smell of roses in a farm west of London, my uncle says he knows the guy that grows the roses. And I once had a dream that I was a Mexican ridding on the back of a donkey in the bed of roses. I named the donkey Doorknob, because it had a doorknob for an eye."

"Whatever," Lily shook her head and turned back to James, she threw the box into his chest. "If you ever give me something like that again, next time I wont be so kind."

"What's worse then having your heart ripped out and stomped on?" James muttered under his breath after Lily had left. The look on his face reminded me of the time my cat thought he had caught a mouse but once he'd spit it out the 'mouse' we found it was the big toe of our next door neighbor. I hid the toe and my neighbor hasn't walked straight since.

"You know James; maybe you should try a more subtle approach."

"Subtle? I thought I was subtly telling her I wanted to shag."

"There's your problem. Girls don't want to just shag, we want to be romanced, and serenaded under a veil of stars. Ok-maybe not serenaded, but the romanticized, yes."

"Yeah? And how would you know that?"

"God, has everyone forgotten I'm a girl?"

"I haven't," Peter squeaked.

"Thank you Peter, anywho. A girl wants flowers, candy necklaces, chocolate, not lingerie."

"What about a robot?"

It was Sunday night. We were shaking from excitement. James had the mother fucker under his shirt, making him look pregnant, but for some reason no one seemed to notice, or didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary. It seems nowadays the only way to capture people's attention is to get midgets beating them with sticks and talking in a Russian accent.

"Now's the time lads," James said as he reached up his shirt and pulled out the red ball of wonder. "Everyone touch it for good luck."

We touched the ball with our hands and then helped James lower it to the ground. We pushed it and the sound of the ball rolling against the ground obtained everyone's attention slowly. The ball reached the stairs leading to the teachers table and for a second nothing happened and we all let out an aggravated sigh, thinking it was a dud. Then there was a loud boom and red dust spurted from the red ball. The dust shot upwards and came down; as it came down on the people it turned into red confetti. Then there was a second boom and fireworks shot out spelling out Zonkos in the air. The fireworks soon turned into little phoenix's flying around with glitter trailing behind them. Then a third boom was heard and a rainbow formed, and chocolate coins fell from the rainbow. Then little leprechauns fell from the rainbow, and would give unsuspecting victims wedgies. Guess what? Little Miss Slut-Bag-Veronica wasn't wearing underwear.

The Marauders and I gloated happily at the success. I noted that even Lily Evans was laughing. The Great Hall started clapping and we glowed proudly, that is until we saw McGonagall's face. Confetti was on her hat and there was still a phoenix circling her head. She stood up from her chair but Dumbledore put a hand on her shoulder and she sat back down.

"Well, wasn't that a good way to say goodbye." Dumbledore chuckled. "I do believe that will outdo anything I will ever think of. But, whoever is behind this prank will be forced to clean up tonight without magic." He said, his eyes lingering on us. "I do have to ask were they got this invention, and if they are still selling them."

"It was totally worth it," James said as we used a broom to get up all the dust and confetti.

"Were did the phoenix's go?" Peter asked.

"Probably to a land were they're accepted for being small. And everything in this land is fitted for them, and a powerful monkey called Alan rules the land with his banana-staff that can turn into a kettle that distributes dignity."

"What possess you to say that stuff?" James asked, still not used to my rants.

"I have a mother and dad that slept with the same pool boy, a brother that has OCD, a grandma that thinks I'm a lesbian, and a uncle that slaps me on the butt every time I see him and calls me; black platypus."

"How aren't you more screwed up?"

"Oh, I had a pet snail that taught me to live life slowly."

We were on the Hogwarts Express and only thirty minutes until we would arrive at station 9 ¾. I was taking these last few moments to try and explain to Sirius what my family was like. I felt this was necessary because Sirius was coming home with me today because my grandma was already there and I needed to put the rumors of me being a lesbian to rest.

"My brother may try and lick you; it's his way of sanitizing things, again, OCD. My grandma will most likely try and feed you with a spoon making airplane sounds, while my brother is cleaning off his food with a napkin which he will throw at an unsuspecting victim, only to pick it back up and rub it under his armpits for 'safe keeping.' After dinner we may play scrabble and somehow my grandma's shirt always comes off and disappears. Then my mum will put on her bikini and do the laundry. And before you go to bed my mum will put a mint on your pillow saying its how God would want it. The guest bathroom's walls are made out of soap. My mum did this because she would always get frustrated when the bars of soap would slip from her hands so she just made the walls soap so she would never be inconvenienced with something as tedious as bending down to grab soap. If you hear the word 'opa' being shouted in the middle of the night that's my grandma reliving the time she spent in Greece. Well, she never actually went to Greece, but she had a very vivid dream that she visited it. Oh, and some nights my family likes to get together and do skits in Scottish accents. The skits are mostly about the lives of zebras and how they're misunderstood. If they bring out a long stick, run, this usually means they're going to start a fire and hold the stick above it, forcing you to jump over the stick. Oh, and you know its spaghetti night if my mums wearing a nicely decorated lampshade."

I looked around at everyone and they all stared at me with the same confused expression. Sirius shook his head, his eyes still wide. "Wait-what?"

When we stepped off the train I immediately saw my mum, she was by herself and wearing a lampshade that was covered in buttons. Oh yeah, spaghetti night.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, Evi, it's so good to see you." My grandma said, pinching my cheeks. "It looks like you've put on a few pounds though. You were never one to resist chocolate frogs."

I put on a fake smile. I had just spent the last hour in a car with my brother (my mums a muggle) who kept on making me wash my hands…in the car. He poured a water bottle over my hands every time he felt dust bunnies had attacked them. He then turned towards Sirius and shoved q-tips in his ears.

My brother, Hector, has a utility belt, so-to-speak. He carries with him permanently; q-tips, deodorant, hand soap, balloons, and a spray bottle filled with water, aspirin, and a bag of the cleanest dirt you'll ever see. While he is only eleven he's tried his hardest to gain the title; most insane little person known to mankind. I'm just hoping that there is no one determined to beat him out of his title.

My mum was no better, asking Sirius about his family. She even had the audacity to ask him what shoe size he wore! To Sirius's benefit he was very polite and answered her question with, 'I don't wear shoes; I find I'm more in touch with nature and the earth with bare feet.'

This sent my mum into a fit of giggles.

It was quite embarrassing, actually. She's old, she should really get a grip on herself, looked what happened last time with the pool boy.

And now, here I am with my grandma, my mum, my brother, and Sirius. This was going to be an interesting few days.

"And who is this strapping young man?" My grandma asked once she had noticed Sirius.

"Sirius Black, mam," Sirius introduced himself, sticking his hand out politely.

My grandma looked at his hand skeptically before pulling him into a tight embrace and stroking the back of his head. "Is he the new pool boy?"

"No," I said as I pulled Sirius and placed my arm around his waist. He followed and placed his arm around my shoulders. I couldn't help but notice the warmth the traveled up my body, mainly to my face. "He's my boyfriend, grandma."

"Boyfriend? I thought you liked women."

"No, grams," I looked over at Sirius and he was biting his lower lip to keep from laughing. "I'm afraid I have disappointing news; I like the men."

Due to my grandmother's shock at discovering I have been leading a secret life I was able to drag Sirius upstairs to show him his bedroom.

"Well, the bathroom with the soap for walls is to your left. And keep your door locked because my brother will try and 'clean' you in the middle of the night." I noticed an unnerved look on Sirius's face. "I warned you Sirius Black! I told you my family was insane. Why does no one ever listen to me?" I sighed dramatically, lying down on his bed, looking at the ceiling. I felt the bed shift down beside me and turned my head to look at Sirius.

"Don't worry; I won't bail on you, but theirs no guarantees that I won't hex them."

"Be my guest."

Sirius put his hand on mine and my heart gave a jolt before beating rapidly. I could feel my face turning hot and a line of sweat forming on my upper lip. If he only knew the impact he had on me. "I'm glad we can spend some of the holiday together, I feel like I haven't talked to you for a long time now."

"Yes, well, you _are _Sirius Black." I joked.

"I'm glad you understand."

I hit Sirius on the chest with the back of my hand and laughed. "I was expecting the most extravagant apology."

"Oh, what were you expecting?"

"Well, a unicorn with a necklace of white rose, because white roses are the only way to go. Chocolate, cherries, strawberries, music, and a band of dancing Scottish men with kilts with nothing else on underneath."

Sirius laughed and squeezed by hand as he did so. A silence came over us and Sirius turned his head to look at me, smiling. Goosebumps formed on my arms and I found myself holding my breath. The moment was perfect, but then Hector barged in.

"Dirty, need to be cleaned!" Hector yelled rudely, a Windex bottle in his hand and ready to spray.

"Hector, have you heard of privacy? Get the hell out." I yelled, sitting up ready to strangle the poor, demented boy.

"Not until you're clean," Hector then sprayed Windex in my open mouth and I started choking. It burned the back of my throat and brought tears to my eyes.

I'm going to kill him.

Before I could lunge at his chubby, pathetic neck Sirius knelt down besides Hector and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Listen, Hector, I don't think its safe to spray Windex in your sister's throat, she could get sick. Why don't you just not-" Hector got board of Sirius's speech and shoved a q-tip of Sirius's nose before running out of the room, his hands waving above his head laughing like a loon.

My grandma walked in moments later, she took in Sirius and me. Sirius was trying to get out the q-tip, which was painfully crammed up his nose, while I was on the ground rolling around, coughing up a lung. "Oh, kids these days. You're so adorable, I don't recall having this much fun back in my time, but then again we didn't have Kama Sutra, so we didn't have as many options as you youngsters. But we did have the missionary position, that was always fun. Your grandpa sure had that trick down. If only you could've seen us, oh Evi, you wouldn't believe how nimble I was back in the day."

An hour later I was lying in my bed, my throat burning, not really able to talk. Sirius had gone downstairs to grab me some ice cream, and himself some dinner. He was going to bring it up to avoid being alone with my family. This really wasn't a good idea bringing him; he's going to see how insane my family is and realize that one day I will end up like them, so any future with him won't exist because of my stupid, sodding family!

God, why do you hate me so? I know I haven't done the best job in following you and your way. But I find it hard to believe in something where a bush was burning. I mean, were you that desperate to gain followers? If you really are 'all powerful and holy' wouldn't they just believe you? You should've sent Jesus down to become a rock star, and then you would gain a huge loyal fan base. Jesus, being Jesus, would be naturally gifted in all things instrumental. I think you've really gone down the wrong path. Now that I've suggested this to you, and you may have a huge fan base (but kudos on the Bible being a best seller) can you give me a normal life? Or at least have Sirius fall madly in love with me?

Sirius then came in with a tray full of ice cream and steak. He set the ice cream in front of me and I smiled before taking a few spoonfuls, the cold ice cream immediately soothing my throat.

"Thanks," I said my voice raspy. "Did you have any problems?"

"No," Sirius responded. I raised a questioning eyebrow at him, knowing there is no way in hell he could've gone into my house alone, and not come out with a scary story. "I stole James' invisibility cloak," he said patting his pocket. "Said I needed it more then him."

"Smart man," I said.

"How's your throat?"

"Besides the fact that I'm sure there's a layer of skin missing I'd have to say its coming along nicely."

"Is Hector magical?"

"No, thank God! Think of how bad he would be with magic! Dear God I cannot even begin to fathom the treacheries that would ensue if a wand was given to him."

"I think it would be a sanitary world."

"Hey, I happen to like pollution! I like that fact that when I breathe in I know I'm dying. Lay off my dirty air supply."

Sirius laughed and then there was a knock on the door. My mom poked her head around the door; I was surprised by her respecting my privacy. Usually she just barges into my room with no warning and then yells at me when I'm not clothed.

"Honey," she said, looking at me. Honey? Since when has she referred to me in a normal name?! "I thought we could go shopping tomorrow for your party at your friend's house. Sirius, you are more then welcome to come along."

"Um, yeah, thanks mum." She smiled at me and Sirius before leaving the room and closing the door. I sat in silence for a few moments wondering if I had just imagined what had happened. Never before had my mum acted like a normal person. "Did that, was that, who?"

"Yes, that did just happen." Sirius responded, obviously amused by my current state.

"I've never, she's never, we've never."

"Been normal, I understand, take all the time you need."

"Did she really close the door?"

The next day I went down to breakfast and wasn't surprised to find my grandma sitting at the table wearing a toga. She was eating chicken and talking to Hector as she did so. My mum was sitting down in a yellow dress, looking normal, what is going on?

"Hello," I said hesitantly as Sirius and I sat down.

My mum looked up at me and smiled. "Honey, glad you're awake. I made bacon and poured some orange juice, hurry up and eat so we can go shopping."

I looked down at the bacon and back to my mum who was smiling at me eerily. "Mum, are you feeling ok?"

"Yes, of course I am, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you're acting sort of…different."

"Different?" She paused and looked away as if thinking, then her face suddenly brightened. "Oh yes, I saw this cute little movie called Stepford Wives and realized I needed to be more like those mum's on TV."

"You mean a robot?"

"A robot? Don't be silly, I wouldn't be able to be around water then, would I?"

"Of course not, how silly of me to assume such a thing."

"Do you see her? She's all happy, and cheerful, it's rather frightening." I whispered to Sirius as we walked behind my mum in the shopping center. My mum being a muggle wouldn't be able to shop in Diagon Alley because she's not magical. So we are now at a muggle stores and my mum is walking ahead of us, humming to herself.

"Would you rather her be unpredictable and a little insane?"

"Yes! Because at least then I was expecting it! Now, she could change at any moment and I wouldn't be able to prepare myself, I don't like being caught off guard!"

"Oh honey, doesn't this store look quaint?" My mum stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, her eyes glazing over as she took in the window display. She walked inside and Sirius and I had no choice but to follow. Much to her credit the store was actually full of dresses and not dominatrix leather ones either.

My mum immediately started throwing dresses into my arms. I don't even think she was looking at the dresses; she was just grabbing everyone that was in sight and tossing it at me. Once the whole store was in my arms she shoved me in the dressing rooms, urging me to try on all of them. I sorted through the dresses and chose out five that I liked and tossed the rest to the side. When I came out in my first dress my mum and Sirius were standing outside of the dressing room waiting.

"That one makes you look fat honey," my mum said. "You should cut down on the eggnog."

"Thanks mum," I said before going back into the dressing rooms. I only had to try on three more dresses before I found the 'one'. It was a dark purple, strapless and floor length. I didn't even show my mum or Sirius. I just walked out with it on the hanger and brought it to the cash register declaring it was 'the one'.

After we had shopped my mum said that she needed to do some last minute Christmas shopping. Sirius and I went to a coffee store and ordered hot chocolate, choosing a table by the window. Looking around I noticed a group of girls our age ogling Sirius and giggling to each other as they stared at him. I rolled my eyes and smiled, looking out the window.

"Even muggles worship you," I said to Sirius, gesturing towards the group of giggling girls.

Sirius turned around and that sent the girls into a fit of giggle, whispering amongst themselves. When Sirius turned around he shrugged, "girls are so…fidgety."

"Oh, like my pet bird Smackey. He started fidgeting one day only we later found out he was having seizures and died. It was quite sad, but my mum told me there was a bird heaven where the sky is full of nuts and female birds to mate with so they're never lonely and there is no need for a sex toy shop."

"She told you that?"

"Yes, that's how my life was growing up. I was introduced to sex at a very young age."

"Apparently," Sirius laughed, taking a sip of hot chocolate. "Oh, before I forget to ask; what do you want for Christmas? I know it seems rather late, considering it's only two days away."

"I don't really need anything, surprise me."

Sirius sighed, "I was hoping you wouldn't say that. When women say 'surprise me' that usually means 'find me something good or I'll castrate you'."

"Oh well, it's a good thing that when I say 'surprise me' I actually mean it. You know I'll like anything you get me. While we're at it, what do you want for Christmas?"

"Surprise me," Sirius responded cheekily.


End file.
